Part 5 in what I had originally intended to be four parts 

The plot 

Or,

Edmond Dantes; If God didn’t want me to do this he’d have killed me by now

Who we are to analyze and revenge ourselves upon in this section:

Baron Danglars, a former junior officer to Edmond Dantes who masterminded the plan to have Dantes imprisoned.

Now, appropriately Danglars is the last of the major players to meet his end, and would have the most brutal end by Monte Cristo ‘s designs had Villefort not fucked the pooch *so badly*. I maintain that what happens to Villefort is insanely brutal, which Monte Cristo agrees with. Monte Cristo is so repulsed by how horridly the Villefort family is ruined he debates if he’s perhaps made some error in the insane, decades long revenge planning. So much so, he ultimately treats Danglars with mercy. Eventually.

So, what do we do with a problem like Danglars?

Danglars rises from cargo master working with Dantes to being a very successful banker, though he lies about how successful. Edmond begins by asking Danglars for unlimited credit, which both exposes his inability to do so despite his purchased barony and title, but also ultimately causes people to divest from Danglars, particularly because of a foreign policy scheme which Edmond manufactures by bribing a telegraph operator to give false information on political upheavals and advancements. Danglar’s business is slowly eroded and he ultimately has to flee Paris–we’ll get to that in a moment–and is captured by friend of the plot Vampa who causes Danglars to increasingly barter away the rest of his fortune for safety.

Now there’s another anti Danglars plot involving his daughter Eugenie–great news, she’s a lesbian.  Eugenie is supposed to marry Albert but Edmond barely has to convince them not to get married. Then Danglars tries to make her marry Andrea Cavalcanti–great news Cavalcanti is one of Edmond’s plants *but hold on we’ll get there in a minute*. Eugenie has the best ending of anyone in the book, she runs away with her girlfriend and assumes a male identity to become an artist. Good for him!

Now that Cavalcanti kid. Sit down for this one, it’s the longest con in the book. and it’s going to be our transition to the final piece: what happens to the Villefort family.

Madam Danglars, who sucks, years ago had an affair with Villefort. She gives birth to a boy, Villefort buries it alive and tells her it was stillborn. Berttucio, thinking he could make a buck on Villefort sees him burying a baby alive and goes and takes it, assuming that Villefort was hiding some sort of money or holdings. Berttucio then ends up raising the child of these two assholes who is tantamount to evil. One day he beats up, ties up, and robs his caretakers and ends up in prison where his cellmate his Caderousse, the guy who failed to stop the plot against Edmond in the first place who I don’t think I’ve even talked about yet. He’s small potatoes. This kid. So Edmond tracks down this kid who is plot poison and he pays him/gaslights him into playing the role of Andrea Cavalcanti as part of a two man con with this other guy that’s pretending to be Cavalcanti senior, all so they can get him to marry Eugene and rob Danglars.

It comes out in huge fashion who this kid really is and that’s the impetus for Eugenie getting out of dodge while the parents are distracted with fallout. Sorry  we almost married you to your brother, also what?

let’s try to tie it all up with the Villefort plot….