Psychology month! —

Week 1, Us, Terrence Real; Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples, Elizabeth Gillette 

For June (my birfday month) I’ve decided to focus on Psychology books which I’d recommend, beginning with Us by Terrence Real. Real is a couples counseling specialist and makes the argument for relational therapy, a methodology he’s developed to address interpersonal relationships by focusing heavily on inner child work; examining core values and problems which lead to poor communication and behavior with others. There is a straight forward, no nonsense approach on how to bring people from states of harmony and disharmony into repair through compassion.

Real breaks his concept down by discussing how, by living in a patriarchal society, we have created a culture of rugged individualism which becomes toxic as we reject help or assistance, relying instead on our own adaptive behaviors rooted in childhood. Many people reject relational thinking–thinking of and for others, even when it works against their best interest to do so, because it’s seen as anti-individual. People default to thinking of their own traumas, interests, or adaptive behaviors, reacting rather than relating to their current experiences.

Real makes an important point to note that in our individualist, capitalist society, someone can be praised for relying on adaptive behaviors and behaviors which discourage seeking help or assistance—-that a person can have an amazing work life, friend life,  inner life while not understanding why their relationships are failing. The short answer is it’s because your coworkers and employers benefit from your toxic individualism (not making a fuss, not asking for help, not communicating personal problems, internalizing blame and conflict, taking aggressive action against perceived problems), while the people who love you are scrambling to get you to pay attention or to think of their perspectives.

Disharmony is of course to be expected in life. Individuals coming together to live in units and relationships, romantic or not, are going to experience conflict. It’s inevitable. The most important feature of any relationship is how you repair from conflict, if you can repair from conflict.

A second couples counseling book, or really a book that could benefit interpersonal relationships, which I’d recommend is The Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples by Elizabeth Gillette.  The book is broken down into describing each of the main attachment styles, giving examples for readers to best identity themselves and their partner, as well as individual sections on how each combination of those attachment styles interacts with one another with examples; all sections providing questions for reflection designed to increase empathy. Gillette gives a clear set of expectations for the strengths and weaknesses of each pairing and how they could best succeed. It’s a very straight forward, ways to digest work book that describes attachment theory very well for general audiences.