Tag: self help

Week 3, Making Space; Taming the Tiger Within, Thich Nhat Han

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Psychology Month!

Week 3, Making Space; Taming the Tiger Within, Thich Nhat Han

Mindfulness has been getting a huge spotlight in medicine the last fifteen years but I often worry that it’s clouded by patients dismissively thinking of it as spiritualism. Thich Nhat Han, a Buddhist monk who sadly died last year, was a mindfulness teacher with a wide variety of accessible material who often managed not to fixate on mindfulness or awareness as a spiritual problem but as a human one. 

I was discussing with a friend at lunch recently another friend who has been recommended mindfulness again and again who always says it’s just too unappealing to her–and the friend at lunch burst out ‘but mindfulness is everything! You can’t do anything without doing mindfulness first!’

And, unfortunately, that’s pretty true. Mindfulness practices, like the ones I used to teach (Yep, I’m biased), are not about sitting in silence and not thinking, as the stereotype goes, but about learning to control your own nervous system. So much of mental health: addiction, anxiety, is rooted in not being able to engage in what we call non-striving behaviors. Sleep is a non-striving behaviors, the more you think about and force yourself to sleep, the less success you have switching effectively between sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system activation, for which there is the helpful acronym RIP. Relaxation induced panic.

Not being able to effectively not-strive leads to a huge prediction toward addiction, anxiety, panic attacks, as well as myriad behavioral problems.

 I think Thich Nhat Han delivers a very good methodology of what Mindfulness really is–coming together with yourself, taking control of your own nervous system. Being able to sit with yourself without blotting it out with the noise of everyone else. I have talked to too many people who do not feel their sense of self is stable and who are amazed when nothing changes in their lives without addressing that first.

Making Space is dedicated to how to begin that practice of mindfulness, while Taming the Tiger Within deals specifically with addressing anger. In mindfulness, one of the greatest lessons is being able to sit with anger and embrace anger and appreciation of anger for what it is, without lashing out or causing harm. And it is, like my friend said, the start of everything.

Week 2, Self Compassion, Kristin Neff; Be Calm, Jill Weber

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Psychology month!

Week 2, Self Compassion, Kristin Neff; Be Calm, Jill Weber

Self Compassion: The Proven Power of being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff is a straightforward argument for why being kind to yourself helps you best to be kind to others and to improve how you view and move through life. It highlights the importance of putting the brakes on catastrophic thinking and reactive behaviors. There’s going to be a theme, if you read all of these reviews on Psychology books, of curbing reactive, adaptive behaviors that may have been advantageous to you at one time in your life but aren’t any longer. It’s incredibly hard to unlearn maladaptive behaviors and Neff puts forward the importance of self compassion toward reaching that goal for yourself. Self compassion is touted and supported as being integral to adapting and learning new behavior and Neff is one of the biggest names in general audiences learning to that end.

Be Calm by Jill Weber is, like so many of these, sort of a hybrid between a work book and a psychology book, focused on anxiety. I decided to pair it with the book on self compassion because…..well, duh. You need self compassion to work through anxiety, the good news being that anxiety is extremely responsive to treatment.

This book is a compassionate description of anxiety symptoms, how they impact functioning and relationships, broken down into sections on thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It offers practical guidance on how to curb anxiety stemming from each of these and how they relate to one another.

Week 1, Us, Terrence Real; Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples, Elizabeth Gillette 

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Psychology month! —

Week 1, Us, Terrence Real; Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples, Elizabeth Gillette 

For June (my birfday month) I’ve decided to focus on Psychology books which I’d recommend, beginning with Us by Terrence Real. Real is a couples counseling specialist and makes the argument for relational therapy, a methodology he’s developed to address interpersonal relationships by focusing heavily on inner child work; examining core values and problems which lead to poor communication and behavior with others. There is a straight forward, no nonsense approach on how to bring people from states of harmony and disharmony into repair through compassion.

Real breaks his concept down by discussing how, by living in a patriarchal society, we have created a culture of rugged individualism which becomes toxic as we reject help or assistance, relying instead on our own adaptive behaviors rooted in childhood. Many people reject relational thinking–thinking of and for others, even when it works against their best interest to do so, because it’s seen as anti-individual. People default to thinking of their own traumas, interests, or adaptive behaviors, reacting rather than relating to their current experiences.

Real makes an important point to note that in our individualist, capitalist society, someone can be praised for relying on adaptive behaviors and behaviors which discourage seeking help or assistance—-that a person can have an amazing work life, friend life,  inner life while not understanding why their relationships are failing. The short answer is it’s because your coworkers and employers benefit from your toxic individualism (not making a fuss, not asking for help, not communicating personal problems, internalizing blame and conflict, taking aggressive action against perceived problems), while the people who love you are scrambling to get you to pay attention or to think of their perspectives.

Disharmony is of course to be expected in life. Individuals coming together to live in units and relationships, romantic or not, are going to experience conflict. It’s inevitable. The most important feature of any relationship is how you repair from conflict, if you can repair from conflict.

A second couples counseling book, or really a book that could benefit interpersonal relationships, which I’d recommend is The Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples by Elizabeth Gillette.  The book is broken down into describing each of the main attachment styles, giving examples for readers to best identity themselves and their partner, as well as individual sections on how each combination of those attachment styles interacts with one another with examples; all sections providing questions for reflection designed to increase empathy. Gillette gives a clear set of expectations for the strengths and weaknesses of each pairing and how they could best succeed. It’s a very straight forward, ways to digest work book that describes attachment theory very well for general audiences.